


Storks

by AgentMaryMargaretSkitz, IncendiaGlacies



Series: The Roommates AU [18]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Because science, Gen, Human Biology, Humor, Parent-Child Relationship, The Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-24 04:36:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17697758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentMaryMargaretSkitz/pseuds/AgentMaryMargaretSkitz, https://archiveofourown.org/users/IncendiaGlacies/pseuds/IncendiaGlacies
Summary: In which Jonas just asked the simple question 'where do babies come from?' and now all the adults are acting weird. They have flashcards, and powerpoints, and textbooks, but no real answers. Other questions include: What does this have to do with the birds and bees? Why are eggs involved? And did his mother actually eat him? All he knows is storks are definitely not involved.





	Storks

**Author's Note:**

> Finally, after a year of waiting, I have this fic ready! This is a direct continuation of Knocked Up and set before Meeting Miranda. Enjoy

 “Jonas, have a seat. We need to talk.” Rip waited until his son sat on the couch next to him and cleared his throat. He had only one chance to get this right and he’d fumbled it up before. Not this time. “Son, I think it’s time we The Talk. Also known as the birds and the bees.”

“Dad-”

“Jonas, don’t interrupt me. This is important. I know you had some questions about where babies come from, so I took some time to compile the proper informational pamphlets.”

Jonas looked at the brochures on the table and back at his dad. “No.”

“I want you to know I’m here for any and all questions. Now, to begin with-”

“Dad, we are not having The Talk right now.”

“Why not? I’m prepared for this now, Jonas.”

“Dad, I am twenty years old. It’s too late,” the young man said pointedly. “You missed your window.” He watched as his father paled further and further into sheet white. “Not like that, Dad! But Google has really improved. Breathe, Dad, breathe. I didn’t knock some girl up.”

“You know better than to give your old man a heart attack.”

“Point is, I don’t need The Talk.”

“What’s the talk?” Jemma waddled in holding her teddy bear and settled herself in her father’s lap, looking at her brother and him insistently. The two men shared a look and Jonas subtly shook his head.

“Jemma, trust me, you don’t want to know,” Jonas said carefully. “If they mention it, just run the other way.”

“But I wanna know!” she whined and pouted. “You always getta do stuff and I don’t! ‘s ‘cause I’m little!”

Rip kissed his little girl’s hair and gave her a tight squeeze. “You’re still too young.” Jemma took a deep breath and held it. “Jemma Grace, don’t you dare!” Rip warned as her face turned a deep red.

“Easy, easy,” Jonas cautioned. “Once she runs out of air the screaming starts.”

“I will not be blackmailed like this, young lady!” Jemma’s eyes started welling up with tears. Either from the sadness or the lack of air. “Okay, okay!” Rip relented. “Just – go ask your mother.” Jemma released her breath and scurried off to find her mother. Rip sighed in relief.

“Really? Go ask your mother? We all know how well that turned out when you said it to me!”

Rip groaned at his son’s words. “Just read the bloody pamphlets so I can feel like a good father.”

“Yes, Dad,” Jonas responded with a small smirk. He could pinpoint the very second Gideon started screeching Rip’s name from rooms away.

* * *

 

“Dad, where do babies come from?” Jonas tugged on his father’s shirt. He had been blinking and opening his mouth for the last two minutes and staring off into space. Normally he just stared at Gideon dumbly. Jonas turned to the woman next to him. “Gideon?”

“I – it’s – you should ask your dad,” she stuttered. Jonas turned back to his father expectantly.

“Storks,” Rip blurted out.

“Storks?” Jonas furrowed his brow confusedly.

“Yes, storks. Now, it’s past your bedtime, isn’t it?” Rip tried to take hold of the boy and get him back to bed.

“But that doesn’t make any sense!” Jonas complained. “Why would the girls say Gideon’s having a baby? Did a stork visit you?” He turned to Gideon to demand her answer.

“Um…”

“Right, it’s bedtime,” Rip announced, picking up his son. “Jonas, you need sleep.” He struggled with his squirming son.

“You’re not answering my question!”

“Ask your mother.”

“But she’s not coming back until after the holidays,” Jonas said sadly as Rip tucked him into bed.

Rip’s heart clenched at his son’s sadness. If only he knew how badly his mother wanted him. That she was willing to fight Rip for custody of their only son. “I know. But she loves you very much,” he said hoarsely. “And you might get to see more of her too.”

“Really?” Jonas asked excitedly, all other thoughts of babies forgotten.

Rip nodded wordlessly and kiss his forehead. “Really. Good night, Jonas.” The little boy yawned and turned on his side, muttering a good night back. Rip let out a breath and headed out where he saw Gideon sitting on the couch in wait.

“Storks?” she asked dryly.

“I panicked!”

“Clearly.”

“Well, how was it explained to you?” Rip said, barely blushing.

“Orphan,” Gideon reminded him. “I read books. Of course, when the Steins took me in, Clarissa did explain some things to me.”

“That was nice of her. Makes me wish I had a daughter instead, sometimes,” Rip joked. “Then Miranda would have to give The Talk.”

* * *

 

Finally, the day came. Jonas’ mother was finally visiting so he could ask her all his burning questions. Though, lately it seemed his daddy was even more annoyed when talking his mummy. Jonas hoped they wouldn’t fight for too long. He hated it when they fought.

“Mummy!” He cheered and ran into his mother’s arms while Rip watched on with a pained smiled. He knew why his ex-wife was really here, to discuss custody again. They had been back and forth about this since before the holidays. It was getting ridiculous at this point.

“Hello Rip.”

“Miranda,” he said without emotion. He sipped his tea and did his best to ignore her look of annoyance. She didn’t get to be annoyed. Well, at least she hadn’t broken into his flat this time.

“Mummy! I have a question?” Jonas diverted her attention.

“What is it?”

“Where do babies come from?”

Rip nearly choked on his drink and avoided looking anywhere in the direction of Miranda. Meanwhile, she stammered and blinked rapidly and tried to make eye contact with Rip.

“Daddy said I should ask you because I didn’t believe him about the storks.” One day, Rip would teach Jonas exactly how much of the truth to tell. Miranda didn’t need to know everything!

“Oh, did he now?” He really, really hated that tone of voice. It was probably why they were divorced. That was her ‘you’ve really buggered it up this time, Rip’ voice. She used it before when he had accidentally (not that Miranda cared) taught Jonas to say bollocks. As his first word. Needless to say, Miranda was not pleased at all. How was he supposed to know how much a two year old would pick up around him?

“Mummy! You need to answer the question!” Jonas insisted.

“Oh don’t worry, your father will tell you,” she said airily. Rip glared at her. He most certainly would not!

“Jonas, go pack your things for your day out with your mother.”

“But-”

“Now, Jonas.” Rip left no room for argument. Jonas huffed and dragged his feet to his room, grumbling under his breath about how everything was unfair and no one told him anything because he was too little all the time.

“Really? Ask your mother?” Miranda said in an unimpressed tone. “We talked about this when he was born. You were going to handle it, this was your responsibility.”

“Yes, well, responsibilities changed when we got divorced. Besides, if you want him, this is the questions you will be fielding day in and day out.”

“He’s my son too, Rip.”

“Then you won’t mind answering your son’s questions.”

Miranda scoffed and shook her head. “You play dirty, Rip Hunter.”

“Learned from the best.” He gave her a small smile that she couldn’t help but return.

“I’m not answering him.”

“Neither am I,” he replied, sipping his tea.

“Oh yes you are. You’re the dad, you answer. End of discussion.” On second thought, that was probably why they got divorced. Miranda always won and was always too smug about it. She cleared her throat. “As it stands, I don’t think I’ll be trying for custody. My promotion – they decided to keep me where I am,” she said quietly. “And I know Jonas doesn’t want to move away from here. So…”

“I’m sorry,” Rip tried. It was sincere, but there was also a wave of relief going through him, knowing that Jonas would still be his. But he could only imagine the hurt of being separated from his son for even longer. Tentatively, he gave her a hug. “Truly.”

“I know.” She patted his back. “There was one other thing that I should mention. Rip, I’m seeing someone.”

He felt like his heart dropped for a second. “Oh?” he answered a little too high-pitched. Rip cleared his throat and shrugged it off. They had been divorced for a while now, Miranda was allowed to move on. Besides, he had…well, never mind that. “Who is it?”

“Well, that’s where it gets a little complicated because I-”

“I’m ready!” Jonas said, running out with his backpack. Miranda caught him in her arms and hugged him.

“Wonderful, let’s go.” She looked up at Rip. “We can finish this later?”

“Yes.” Rip leaned down to give his son a hug and a kiss before rallying them out the door. Maybe he’d go see if Gideon wanted to watch a documentary with him.

* * *

 

Jonas kicked his feet restlessly during dinner. Once again, Mummy and Daddy were arguing. He ignored them for the most part, hearing a few words that Daddy always reminded him never to tell Mummy about. He didn’t see why seeing as Daddy said it right in front of her. Sara and Lennie were there too at least. They were fun.

“You’re dating Jonah? My best friend Jonah – best man at our wedding – who we named Jonas after?” Rip demanded.

“Yes, I’m dating your ex-boyfriend. So sorry,” Miranda said sarcastically.

Rip glared at her. “Don’t start with that. What, was there no one else available? No one else in the entire world that you could be interested in? Of all people, you had to go and pick Jonah?”

Miranda reached out to take his hand but he pulled back. “Rip, please. It’s not like I meant for this to happen. It just did. I’m sorry, but I really, really like him. And I wish you wouldn’t take it so hard. Look, we’re not married anymore so you have no right to be possessive or jealous any-”

“I am neither of those things! Why would I be?”

“I’m sure that one day you’ll meet someone-”

“He has,” Sara interrupted. Rip turned to her and mouthed ‘what’ to her. “Tell Miranda about your girlfriend, Rip.” She kicked him under the table. Jonas knew because he could feel it too. “Gideon?”

“Gideon,” Rip said slowly, drawing out the vowels of her name. “Right, right, my girlfriend. Gideon.”

“Who’s Gideon?” Miranda asked.

“She lives next door,” Jonas piped up. “I like her. She’s nice. She took me to the museum once and I got to see the mummy! Oh, I wasn’t supposed to tell you about that. Oops.” Obviously, she was daddy’s girlfriend. Just like how Cisco and Caitlin were friends. Or Ray and Lily. But Oliver and Felicity were probably married. They were kissing. Yuck! Jonas wondered if that was how you made a baby. He grew more disinterested in his parents’ conversation and turned back to his colouring menu.

“What’s up little buddy? Got a lot on your mind?” Lennie asked, nudging him.

Jonas shrugged. Seeing as how his parents and Sara were busy, and Lennie always answered questions for him, he asked, “Where do babies come from? Is it because people kiss?” Jonas wondered if he should tell Felicity that she’d have a baby then.

Lennie laughed to himself, shaking in mirth, and patted Jonas’ head. “Kid, I’m going to tell you the same thing I told my sister. Internet. Give it a try.”

* * *

 

Lennie was smart, Jonas thought to himself as he pulled out his tablet. Daddy always said not to use it before bed, but this time Jonas hid it so he could look it up for himself. Even Gideon always said the best way to learn things was online. And Gideon would know, she was very smart. So, Jonas pulled up the search engine and started looking up babies.

He got pictures of cute little babies, sometimes puppies and kittens too. There were some suggestions of looking up ‘birds and the bees’. Jonas didn’t know what they would have to do with babies. He clicked it and it led to the article. Too many words. And he didn’t even understand them.

But the pictures were cool. Lots of animals, on top of each other. Jonas didn’t care about them and scrolled down further. Oh! The baby was in the mommy’s stomach. How did it get in there? Jonas’ eyes widened and he dropped the tablet.

“Mummy ate me?!”

* * *

 

Jonas laughed and played with the kitty. He loved coming to visit the girls because Caitlin always let him play with Kitty. He wiggled the yarn over the cat and watched it swipe at it with his paw.

“Do you want to help me fill his bowl to feed him?” Caitlin asked kindly.

“Yes!” Jonas nodded vigorously and Caitlin laughed, ushering him over. There was a knock on the door so Caitlin let Jonas fill up the rest. In came Cisco and Ray.

“Hey, little man!” Cisco greeted, holding his fist out. The two did their secret handshake and grinned.

“How come I don’t have a secret handshake with anyone?” Ray said sadly before sneezing. “Sorry.”

“I’ll put Schrodinger in the other room. Do you have your allergy medication?” Caitlin said, picking up the cat and the bowl of food. Jonas waved at it sadly as it meowed back. Jonas liked to think that Kitty missed him just as much.

“Yeah, just need some water.” He and Cisco pulled out some glasses from the cabinets. Jonas sighed and wandered over to the couch. Daddy said he could stay with the girls until he got home from work. “Something wrong, Jonas?” Ray asked worriedly.

Jonas shrugged. “Do you promise not to tell Daddy?”

“Pinky swear.”

“My lips are also sealed.” Cisco mimed zipping his lips and Jonas laughed.

“They weren’t answering my questions so I decided to look it up by myself on the internet.”

“Now Jonas, you know how dangerous the internet can be for a little kid such as yourself,” Ray started to lecture. Sometimes, Jonas thought he was worse than Daddy. “Did you talk to anyone on the internet? Or download a virus? Or-”

“No!” Jonas said as Caitlin returned sans cat. Daddy had already explained all the Internet safety; he even showed Jonas a video about it. “I just wanted an answer.”

“Well what was the question?” Cisco said easily.

“Where do babies come from?” Jonas asked bluntly. Cisco spat out his water and shook his head. “And don’t say storks. And what do birds and bees have to do with babies?”

“Nuh uh. I did not sign up for this,” Cisco said. “I think I just lost ten years off my life.” He pressed a hand over his heart as Caitlin gave him an amused smile.

“Where – where do babies come from?” Ray laughed nervously as he started to babble. “Where do any of us come from? Really, what are the odds that the one sperm will meet the one egg and bam-”

“What to eggs have to do with this?” People didn’t hatch from eggs. “Is this why they talk about birds?”

Caitlin took a seat next to Jonas. “Actually, the birds and the bees is a wonderful analogy of the pollination of flowers to the fertilization of human egg cells that Ray was speaking of. Do you know what chromosomes are?” Jonas shook his head and Caitlin grabbed a notebook and started drawing in it. “They’re basically the blueprints for what makes you, well you. They hold all your genetic material, which you get from your parents. You get half your chromosomes from your dad, and half from your mom, making you the perfect blend of your parents. Of course, there are dominant and recessive traits. Like they battle it out for who wins.”

Cisco yawned in the background and Caitlin automatically threw a pencil at him. Jonas wasn’t too sure he understood anything but nodded anyway. Caitlin smiled. “See there’s the X chromosome and the Y chromosome. A girl is XX and a boy is XY. So when a baby is made the mommy always gives one X chromosome and the daddy can give either X or Y.”

“Can he choose?”

Caitlin shook her head. “No. It’s a matter of chance. Like flipping a coin. It can land on heads or tails. Now the actual process of making a baby is much more interesting.”

“Uh, Cait, maybe we shouldn’t-”

Caitlin ignored Cisco and continued while Ray gulped his water down nervously, sweating and turning red at the same time. “Ray mentioned the egg and sperm. Egg is from the mommy and the sperm is from the daddy. Now you see after the egg has been fertilized by the sperm it becomes a zygote cell. And this cell starts multiplying and dividing, replicating itself over and over through the process of meiosis and mitosis. Now you see, there are sister cells that go through five phases of prophase, prometaphase….”

Jonas stared at her blankly the entire time and simply nodded when she paused to take a breath. Adults were too confusing. And he still didn’t understand where babies came from and how they were hatched and swallowed by a mommy.

* * *

 

Asking the other girls only made it worse. When Lily and Felicity got home it was to Caitlin having open a huge biology textbook and pointing out the different phases of mitosis and meiosis. Meanwhile, Cisco was eating popcorn and licorice as he watched the madness, and Ray had drank far too much water out of his nervousness.

“What’s happening, Munchkin?” Lily said.

“I just wanted to know where babies come from!”

“Babies, as in babies – babies? As in ‘The Talk’?” Felicity made air quotes around it and looked like she swallowed a bug.

“That’s the one,” Cisco confirmed.

“I thought my explanation was helping,” Caitlin said sadly. Jonas shrugged in response. Not really. Lily leaned over to see what they were looking at and gave Caitlin a look. “What? I thought we should go the scientific route here!”

“He’s a kid. It’s too hard. Let me see if I can find a PowerPoint online. Or maybe make some flashcards. It always helped me learn stuff.”

“Really, about this too?” Ray asked unsurely, making Lily blushed as she pulled out her laptop.

“I already tried online! I still don’t get it!” Jonas complained.

“Just put on the movie they always showed us in class. The Miracle of Life.” Felicity rolled her eyes. She hated that stupid movie, efficient as it was in destroying childhoods.

“Oh! Good plan!” Lily said.

“Be careful of what you type in there!” Cisco warned. “Otherwise you get-” he glanced at Jonas and caught Caitlin’s glare “-some weird videos. That’s all I was gonna say!” He narrowly avoided her punch.

“Shut up, you guys! Felicity, is it this one?” Lily showed the blonde the laptop to verify the video, when the door opened. Gideon stood at the door and stared at them. Behind her, they could barely see Rip holding the mail.

“Why do you all look so guilty?” she demanded, walking in with crossed arms and narrowed eyes. Or what Cisco called her ‘mom look’. Rip walked in behind her and looked at Jonas questioningly.

“Nothing?” Lily said in a small voice. Caitlin looked at her book. Felicity suddenly remembered she had to go check the fridge, Cisco just shook his head repeatedly. Gideon turned to Ray and he gulped.

“Raymond?” she said sweetly.

“Jonas just wanted to know where babies came from and then Caitlin started talking about it form a biological aspect – more scientific, not the actual process of – don’t worry, Rip, we wouldn’t do that. And then we decided we should just show the video instead,” Ray babbled and then took a deep breath. “Oh, I feel a lot better now that I’ve gotten all that off my chest.”

Rip opened his mouth and blinked a few times, trying to process all this information. Gideon glared at all her friends.

“Am I in trouble?” Jonas asked quietly.

“No, darling, not you,” Gideon assured him before turning to the rest of them. “They are. All of you go to your rooms. Immediately!”

“We don’t live here so technically you can’t-” Cisco stopped talking when he saw the heat of her glare and stepped back.

“I suggest you both pick a room and stay in it until I’m ready to deal with you, or find some other cold, dark place where I will never, ever find you. Understood, Mr. Ramone?” Gideon said coldly.

“Yes, mom,” they all chorused before scattering for their rooms. Gideon sighed and turned to the Hunters.

“Rip, I am so, so sorry,” she whispered quietly. After the entire pregnancy misunderstanding, they had promised Rip they would stay out of his son’s life. Clearly, her roommates were trying to ruin this for her. “I had no idea they would be so stupid as to-”

“It’s fine, Gideon. This is my fault.” Rip groaned and dragged a hand over his face before taking a seat next to Jonas. He ruffled his son’s hair and pulled him in for a side hug. “This is really bothering you, isn’t it?”

“It’s more annoying when no one answers my questions,” Jonas said glumly. “I’m always too little for everything.”

“Being little isn’t so bad. You get to play a lot and you don’t have to worry about a lot either.” Rip rubbed his arm comfortingly. “Like…laundry, or bills, or doing the dishes, or taxes. You just have to be a good kid. And this is one of those things that nobody wants to tell you because you don’t have to be a father until you’re much, much older.”

“But what if I do get a little brother or sister one day?” Jonas said worriedly. Gideon looked away. It was her fault. All this led back to her and her roommates. Rip tried to shoot her a reassuring smile.

“Okay. Here’s what you need to know.” Gideon froze, wondering if she should stay or leave for this conversation. It was her apartment, but they were a family. Awkwardly, she wandered into the kitchen where she could hear them but wouldn’t have to look at them directly. “A baby is made when two people, usually a man or a woman, love each other very, very much. Like Mummy and I used to. That’s the most important thing, Jonas. That a baby is a physical manifestation of love.”

“So Mommy does eat me?”

Rip laughed and shook his head. “No. Rest assured Mummy did not eat you. You just stayed inside of her before you were ready to come out. When she was pregnant with you.”

“Oh.” Jonas nodded understandingly, feeling much better knowing now that his mother hadn’t eaten him. “But how did I get in there?”

Rip spluttered and looked back at Gideon who was wide-eyed again. “How isn’t important right now. Maybe when you’re older.”

“But what if I wanna know-”

“When you’re older,” like sixty, “I’ll tell you everything about it. This particular topic is a little gross, and embarrassing, needs a certain level of maturity, and can be made very boring if you learned anything from Caitlin. And if you’re ready for boring, adult conversations I could also go on about how to do taxes and you doing your own laundry, Mister.”

Jonas shook his head. “No, Daddy.” Nothing Caitlin said had made sense anyway.

“Good.” Rip kissed his forehead. “I’m sorry if I don’t always tell you everything. But if you ask, I’ll do my best to tell you why I can’t tell you. Is that fair?”

“Yes, Daddy.”

“And you can stop asking every single person where babies come from?”

Jonas nodded. “I promise.”

“Okay, then you head home. I’ll be in soon.”

Jonas said his byes to Gideon and ran across the hall. Rip stayed where he was and took a deep breath. Gideon walked over and took a seat next to him. “How hard was that?”

“Could have been worse,” he muttered. He had only postponed the actual Talk for another day. Hopefully, a much later date.

“For what it’s worth, I think you did a great job with him. I know it’s not my place, but Miranda made a good choice in letting you have primary custody,” Gideon said quietly, looking down. She had been ecstatic for Rip when he’d told her the good news. “She could have moved him away from his life but she let you have him. I would have done anything to have someone love me just as much when I was his age.”

Rip squeezed her hand. “You found your family eventually.” He nodded to the doors and Gideon hummed. “Don’t be too hard on them. They meant well.”

“They always do.” Gideon rolled her eyes and pulled Rip up with her to walk him to the door. “But if you see me dragging a lot of garbage bags to the dumpster tomorrow…”

“I’ll ask no questions,” Rip said with a laugh and winked at her. She grinned at him. “Good night, Gideon.”

“Good night, Mr. Hunter.”

* * *

 

“Jonas!”

He ignored his little sister as she jumped on his bed, trying to get his attention. She threw a pillow at him. “Ow! Jemma! That wasn’t nice!”

“Neither is ignoring me. Mommy says so!”

He sighed. “Okay, you’re right. What is it?”

Jemma smiled and crawled into his lap and hugged him. “What’s the talk about?”

Ah, that was why she was being even nicer than usual. He kissed her hair. “What did Gideon say?”

“Mommy said it was about ice cream and then gave me some.”

“Really?” Jonas asked incredulously. That was possibly even worse than how Dad had handled things. Jemma nodded enthusiastically. On the other hand, clearly he should have gone to Gideon rather than the aunts. “What flavour?”

“Strawberry!”

“Good choice. Well if you already know what The Talk is about, why are you still asking me?”

“Cause Mommy lied about it.”

Jonas blinked. “Well, if you think she lied about it, why did you accept her answer?” Normally she didn’t shut up until she got what she wanted.

“Cause I wanted ice cream,” she said easily. Smart kid. Jonas lied back down on the bed and pulled out his comic book again. Another pillow hit him. “Tell me!”

“Jemma! Ow!”

“Tell me!”

“No. It’s not for little kids your age to know,” Jonas said kindly. Jemma held her breath. He refused to give in. He wouldn’t be as soft hearted as his Dad and Gideon. He could- “Okay, okay! It was a talk on where babies come from, okay?”

“Okay.” She let her breath go and smiled. Jonas sighed and lied back down. The last thing he needed was both Dad and Gideon blaming him for Jemma’s waterworks. “Jonas?” He hummed in response as she lied down next to him, resting her head on his shoulder. His baby sister was still so tiny and cute. “Where do babies come from?”

And asked all the hard questions. His heart pounded and Jonas was fairly certain he was having a heart attack. Is this how his father felt? He opened his mouth and stuttered for a good minute, his heart beating rapidly and not enough air reaching his lungs. Finally, in a moment of panic, he blurted out his answer.

“Storks.”


End file.
